Thursday, February 12, 2015

Responding to you - God is with you

You know, God is always with you.  Even when you are not seeking Him, he is there. 

But, still, I wish I could have been home with you more.  I feel often that I failed to protect you and keep you safe.  You were only 10 when I left home to attend University of Illinois; but, I really left much sooner.  Any chance to get away from that apartment, I took it.  I went to Aunt Brenda's.  I went to Grandma's.  I stayed with friends.  I often stayed with mom, too.  I am still trying to figure out why it made me so uncomfortable (besides the fact that I have a strong dislike for stinky messes that our brothers rarely helped me to clean when I couldn't take it any more).

Knowing God.  I am still getting to know Him.  I pray to Him much, much more.

It is amazing to me that after going to church so much (often 4x/week or more!) and hearing dad speak and being part of it all, I never felt the presence of the Holy Spirit.  I never learned to trust Him.  I never learned to thank Him for everything.  I felt very separate from it all.  I don't know why.

But, I am grateful for the "God-sized" journey I am on, which I believe ends beautifully for us all.

It wasn't until I started seeking Him that I started really feeling Him.  Knowing Him.  Getting to know Him.  I pray when I don't know if I should put down the baby.  I pray before I react to something upsetting (OK, I try to remember to's just a tiny space I have to remember to see).  I pray to decide what the most important task is at the moment (always a juggle, less of a struggle when I pray).

I pray to thank Him. 

I started a list.  A list of gifts.  Things for which I am thankful.  Inspired by studying the book, "1000 Gifts", by Ann Voskamp.  I like looking for things for which I can thank Him.  I am still learning to thank Him for everything...even the hard stuff.  Like, growing up with so much anxiety.

In our house, I hated that I did not feel safe.  When I was working, I learned that "harassment"  is defined as anything that "creates a hostile environment".  I would say what should have been the safest place in the world was really a "hostile environment".  I guess that is one of the reasons I kept trying to get away.  But, that was before the eventual divorce, before dad got that apartment...

I pray to thank Him.  Everything that led me here is why I lead this life today.  I feel it all.  I feel forgiveness.  I feel love.  I feel truth.  No more numbing--No more lies.  No more pretending I am someone else with a "normal" life.  No more hiding.  No more hostile environment.  No more stealing.  No more overspending.  No more drinking.  No more drugs.  No more. 

I pray to thank Him.

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